But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.”

Matthew‬ ‭14‬:‭30

I’m all good till I start getting too curious.

It’s near impossible for me to accept things as they are, to live and let live, and to relax and take it easy.

These are all slogans and principles of recovery born out of experience older and wiser than me. Yet, I will still balk when it comes to merely allowing life to happen.

I’m a tinkerer. And a thinker. And when you add alcohol or drugs to the mix, things get amplified.

In the beginning, it is alluring. But by the end it is just meddlesome.

I can’t leave well enough alone even when it’s me that is at stake.

And I develop an instant amnesia toward all of the past good things and influences in my life. I become narrowly focused on little ol’ me.

This is dangerous.

This is an inward focus that is not born out of positive introspection, but of negative self-reliance.

It is a bent toward life and those around me that hinders my ability and willingness to love and be loved.

Yes, it’s counterintuitive too. Because in all my insistence to dwell on myself and seek ease and comfort, these are the exact things that slip through my fingers.

And watching them fall away, watching security dwindle, watching my control over my life die, I retreat further into myself.

I must stop watching the wind. I must stop running towards my own way out of my own mess.

I must stop trying to solve the problem with the same mind that created most of it.

God, show me where to look, where to focus.