Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?

Psalm‬ ‭139‬:‭7

I had an incredible sense of impending doom just before I finally became willing to accept help.

It’s a cloud that slowly accumulates and I didn’t even notice it until it was all over me.

Looking back, it’s easy to see that it started even before I started drinking.

It wasn’t the drinking or drugs that led me away from God and down a dark path. They just accelerated my pace.

I had become lukewarm. I had become discontent. I had become disgruntled.

Heck, I was a teenager. But instead of airing these things out appropriately or seeking the confidence of healthy friends and mentors, I slipped within myself.

Fertile ground for addiction.

My hope is that these reflections don’t justify any of my stupidity but rather give light to the susceptibility of anyone, anywhere.

Addiction is deeper than substances. It is a corrosion of the heart and a separation of me from you.

It rejoices in splitting me off from others, getting me alone and then capitalizing on the opportunity. It whispers loudly.

The doom I sensed before asking for help over 21 years ago was the permission I finally accepted to give up.

Help takes many forms. I needed to be surrounded. I needed to be shipped off and away and allowed time to heal.

I needed the shock of geographic change to allow me to truly accept and begin to implement a spiritual way of life that I was not unfamiliar with—I had just walked away from it.

I’m thankful for the willingness that finally came.

I’m thankful for the helping hands that shoved me in the right direction.

God, help me stay surrounded.