and what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men, who will be able to teach others also.

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭2

It matters very little what I think about my own capabilities to carry the message of recovery to someone new.

I was worried about having to go be a missionary across the world when I grew up in the church. I didn’t want to do that. Sometimes I felt like my faith would be cheapened if I didn’t go to those lengths.

Faith does dull easily as it’s misused and discarded. It didn’t take the threat of missionary work—merely the willingness to participate in the normal ol’ vices of our bloated society.

I was emboldened in addiction to bend standards, throw out old ideas and try on a new way of life. Perhaps I never threw out the ideas of my upbringing completely, but that was only because the severity of addiction bit me hard and quickly.

In the throes of sobriety the old fear of having to witness to people returned. I heard the good news that there was a way to live well post-addiction but that part of the step work would entail passing it on to others.

For a while all was well as I was permitted to focus on myself in the beginning, but the fear of having to sponsor other people began to be replaced with the fear of screwing up and telling someone the wrong thing.

Me self-centered inaction was being subverted by my self-centered perfectionism. It was a step in the right direction. But the willingness to try only bears fruit when set in action.

I was equipped—just not exactly in the way I thought necessary. I had my past; I had my story. I didn’t have the elegant speech and confidence I thought I’d need. I never outgrew the fear of being accepted. I didn’t think my story was dramatic enough to help someone else.

And here’s the root problem: I kept thinking this was about me. But none of it is.

God uses us to work in and through others. But we are the vessels. Shaped and equipped in whatever weird ways he has preordained.

I just have to be willing to step forward and open my mouth. My motives have lined up more with His will as I’ve tried to practice this simple formula over the years.

God, show me when to speak.