For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

Psalm‬ ‭73‬:‭3

How easy it is to be jealous of what I think would bring me happiness.

It’s the English paper dilemma. When I was in high school, I vividly remember being assigned a paper in English class. It was with a pure desperation and exhaustion that I bemoaned and dreaded writing that thing.

The idea of it was far worse than the reality. It was weighty. It was deadlined. It loomed. It took a thousand years and a ream of paper to crank out what was probably less than a thousand words.

Then it was over.

The relief flooded over me in gentle waves. First at the completion of the writing, then at the final draft, and finally on the turn in day.

But there was a problem.

By the next day, there was another assignment. Another burden to bear. Another looming task.

This was the beginning of my awareness of the cadences of responsibility, of life, of work, of satisfaction.

I had until then held on to the belief that there existed some state of being or an attainable position whereby rest would be found. Contentment awaited me there in this imaginary place of no responsibility.

This is the illusion and fantasy of Tik Tok and Instagram feeds now. It’s the envious idea that just over that next hill, I’ll be able to rest. I’ll level up enough to take it easy.

This is the allure of addiction too. It’s what kept me coming back until it sapped me of myself. It’s a lie. There’s no substance behind it. I’ll always be left with myself and my choices.

If I want my life to be built on something, it better be bigger and stronger than myself.

God, be my foundation.