For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.‬

John 3:20

Desensitization is at work in us straight out of the womb. We are set up to become numb; addiction just expedites the process.

When I was beginning my journey of experimentation which turned into addiction, I walked into it with eyes wide open to the risks. My problem was I thought I was an exception.

I didn’t really grasp the danger, only the idea of the danger.

Yes, this was a taboo world I was flirting with. But I’d be ok, I’d stay in control, I’d stay aware.

Foolish thoughts of a kid, but they are echoed in the stories of young and old alike when people arrive in recovery. Many do not even sober up before acknowledging these simple truths.

We were victims of our own obsession that each drink would be different than the last.

Experience continued to prove us wrong, but paradoxically with each failed attempt, we seemingly grew more resistant to the idea that we were defeated.

And so, the slog continued.

This is why giving up, conceding, letting go, surrendering are the necessary components of beginning to live again. We had to be defeated in order to restart.

Who likes this? No one. I definitely didn’t.

But the longer we struggle against the inevitable, the longer we deprive ourselves of the sweet relief of surrender.

God, show me when to give up and when to persevere.