Give me understanding, that I may keep your law and observe it with my whole heart.

Psalm‬ ‭119‬:‭34

Not wanting what I had was more important than wanting what you have.

I wasn’t sure about some of what and who I saw in recovery meetings. More often than was comfortable I found some of what I heard to be complete garbage.

Could I trust my thinking yet? Debatable. But the garbage factor persists. I don’t try and dodge or deny it today, and I also admit it taints my own story perhaps more than I know.

Who of us is free of the trace elements of self-deception? I mean, come on. It’s in the phrase itself: deception.

One thing was clear in the beginning. I really did have to do something different. Even if it wasn’t perfect. I had to change.

And so, the advice of finding someone who had what I wanted became actionable. I didn’t necessarily know what I wanted or whether I could believe everything someone told me.

But I was willing to give it an honest shot.

I couldn’t find any sovereign beings, so I asked a human and received advice, counsel, friendship and suggestions in all their marred forms.

He wasn’t perfect; none of us are. But stepping towards the light started with stepping away from myself.

God, may I always stay coachable.