So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Psalm‬ ‭90‬:‭12

I don’t think of wisdom as the thing that fills up my heart. I think in terms of feeling good and loving and being loved and the things that center around what the world defines loves as.

Yeah, I am probably still more of a product of my surroundings than I’d like to be.

Feeling good, feeling loved, feeling joy. These things are great. They’re just not at the ground level of the heart. They’re the afterglow of what must be implanted in the core of who I am.

I can experience all the good stuff in the world and still be void. Isn’t this what we come to grips with at the end of our addiction?

Don’t we see that we’ve based our life on a lie?

It shouldn’t surprise me that I’ve got many things out of sorts. I’ve wrongly chased the results of things that I don’t understand.

I’ve thought that I’m owed feeling good.

I want to feel good. He wants me to be full.

When I settle down and stop hurrying to satisfy my own demands, the fullness of doing the right things over time ends up feeling good.

So, yes, you can have your cake and eat it too. You’ve just got to percolate in the truth for a lot longer than initially thought.

The fleeting goodness of the satisfaction of performing right actions is not the same, either. Those are the things we are used to chasing.

We learn in sobriety and in faith how to continue long enough for actual heart change to take place. Then, the perpetual goodness of the spirit really takes root. Then, we are driven by both the knowledge of the next right thing as well as the actual desire to do it.

God, turn my heart and motivations to you.