For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age.

Titus‬ ‭2‬:‭11‬-‭12‬

I needed training in sobriety.

I needed to be beat into a pulp of willingness.

I needed to reach a bottom low enough to feel despair.

I needed to experience the look of pity from someone else.

I needed to know the depths of my own selfishness.

I needed to see nothing to feel for a way out.

I needed willingness to supplant bitterness.

I needed hopefulness to supplant sarcasm.

I needed openness to supplant the cold, close-minded husk I had become.

I needed some grace. I needed a lot of it.

Problem was, in the midst of the struggles of our addiction, the moments of clarity about these things are so few and far between, so fleeting and temporal, that it is very difficult to recognize and much harder still to focus and grab hold of until they are long gone.

Because with those moments comes the willingness to do something about them. And with the next morning comes the bright certainty that this time it’ll be different, that I don’t need to change anything just yet.

So, the turning points happen in instants of hot turmoil. And if we don’t reach out and grasp them, they fade.

Looking back, we can just make out some of these moments if we are diligent. How many more will we have? How far down can we go? How far will our loved ones tolerate?

Do we really believe it’ll start getting better if we don’t take drastic action? That’s a steep bet.

God, give me the irritation I need to take drastic action.