But I am poor and needy; hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay!

Psalm‬ ‭70‬:‭5

This is precisely the type of wishy-washy weakness addiction insulated us against. We welcomed the power and authority that addiction brought with it despite the rabbit hole of dependence it led us down.

It was as paradoxical a foe as recovery is an ally. Both have seemed to be one thing but led us to another altogether.

As I began to spiral into addiction, I was not thinking about consequences, I was wrapped up in the feeling of superiority and freedom that my using was giving me. I was relishing in the rebellion against the norms, and yeah, I was in part doing it because I’d been told not to.

But the curious quirk of addiction which sets it apart from rebellion is the progressive desire for more in the face of circumstance. Exposure at early ages doesn’t help.

The obsession of using when we’re not and the cravings for more when we are highlight the pathway to addiction.

It looks like freedom and winds up being bondage.

Similarly, when we are offered a way out, it looks and feels very different from what we want it to. We somehow feel like losers when we quit. Like giving up on killing ourselves is a bad thing.

Our mind is warped.

And in recovery, instead of being offered power and strength over our disease to get better, we are confronted with the first reality in the first step-an admission of powerlessness.

In order for His strength to be perfected in our weakness, we acknowledge the utter inability we have when put up against our addiction. In this we have a much clearer manifestation of our need for God than others. It is front and center. Undeniable.

And yet.

We still try to deny it. Sobriety may come slowly or not at all for those that continue to buck the suggestions that have been firmed up through years of the experiences of others.

Because it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t seem like it should work. The entryway to a new way of life should be more palatable. It should offer us more. It should have us at center stage.

We can’t trust our feelings. They can help us get to the starting line but they’ll try to deceive us before we are far along.

God, knock me out of my spotlight.