For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Romans‬ ‭1‬:‭21

What’s worse—to not know God or to have drifted from Him?

Which path is easier—to come to faith or to come back to it?

How many times can we be born again? What if it doesn’t take the first time around? How many times must we sober up? What assurances do we have against a relapse?

Why do some get it on the first try, seemingly without much effort while others struggle back to recovery over and over again?

Is addiction punishment?

Can we really change?

Who’s to know the heart of man? My own does a good job of deceiving me. How can I know someone else’s?

I certainly grew up knowing God. Or at least knowing about Him. Faith was imprinted on me without experience to fortify it.

No one gets experience for free.

My choices led me away from and back to the Way. Assurance of salvation was always difficult, even before addiction. Did I get it right this time?

The first steps back into the light are infused with the hope that I can be born again, again.

Maybe this is just a mindset for me rather than a spiritual reality. But it’s a helpful counterpoint to the course of my life in addiction.

God, thank you for the nonlinear timeline of infinite grace.